I never know when it will strike. It is sneaky this alcohol addiction. Things will be going along and I will be almost happy. Content. Normal. Able to share time with him and actually enjoy it. Then when I need him most, when my guard is down it strikes. Then I vow to never let my guard down again. I am disappointed. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am powerless. I am alone, abandoned once again.
We own a campground. It is hard work, very physical. We have an unspoken division of labor. I take care of the reservations and check-ins. I handle the store and do all the merchandising. I collect the money and pay the bills. I field the complaints and answer the phone. He fixes the plumbing and the sewer problems along with any electrical issues. He mows the grass and maintains the equipment. He works part-time at a convenience store so that we can have health insurance. This is the part that everyone sees. Me in the store, phone in hand "directing" the necessary work that has to get done. He plays the role of the work horse that fulfills my demands. Appearance is everything, you know.
Poor guy works too hard, give him a break. He needs a drink. I have actually had this said to me. I have accused him of liking this appraisal of his life. He doesn't tell people this.......... but he doesn't correct their image either. He befriends folks easily; he is, after all a very likable guy. I would know. With all his faults I love him beyond words, but for the one fault that I am unable to influence at all.
What the campers don't see is that I got up at 5:45 this morning. I drank half a cup of reheated coffee and went out to clean the bathrooms. I scoured both, refilled paper product, mopped them and cleaned the laundry room while I did two loads of laundry for myself. I normally get the robot out of the pool and get it ready for use at this time also, but I hung out my two loads of laundry instead. My 5 year old grandson is staying with us and when I came in he was awake. I took care of his needs and headed back out to finish my chores before I had to open the store. It was now 8 AM. I had already taken 3 phone calls and fulfilled those requests. I have the phone on my person...always. I let my little guy ride his bike in my sight while I mowed my side and back yard. I was approached twice by campers with needs and it was eating up my meager morning time. The bathhouse on the other end of the park was flooded by a recent heavy rain and I had asked him to put a sign directing campers to the facilities on the side of my building to give the water a chance to subside. He "forgot" and as I am tethered to this building by phone cord I didn't check it to make sure and the camper is in my face telling me how filthy our campground is. My time is going, going.....almost gone.
I apologize for waking him at 9:30, but it is Friday and I am heavily booked. The temperature and humidity promise that I will be busy all day in the store with swimmers. In addition to my grandchild I have been saddled with a camper's child who is draining me mentally as well as eating incessantly. My mind can't help but tally up all the losses I am incurring from the store. My daughter-in-law is coming with my 3 granddaughters and I am trying to get all my necessary jobs done in order to be able to spend as much time with them as possible. He gets up, opens the pool for me and takes care of the muddy bathrooms with grandson in tow. He runs to the grocery for me and brings me a much needed and appreciated iced coffee. A much loved and appreciated camper is mowing the bulk of the park for me and the only requirement I make of him is that he go and purchase the wire necessary for the completion of the redo we are in the midst of. This will be accomplished by yet another wonderful camper..............
And it is during the running of this errand that it all falls apart. He comes back and while I am busy with the swimmers and the campers checking in he lays down on the couch. No big deal, we all get tired and as much as I would like to escape I know that it is impossible. The children come in and They want to sit in the living room with Papa and watch cartoons. They are all tired from a day of swimming and playing and will most likely doze off............ But my husband has a display of temper and stalks off to bed.
We won't see these precious children for probably 6 months after they all leave tomorrow. He says he has a headache. Why did I not notice that he is saying well out of sniffing range? I am not as observant as I usually am. I am busy grabbing quick hugs and sweet kisses and giving out popsicles in between my necessary duties. I have to get him to help me with some check-ins and after handling a few things, he leaves! he goes to deliver some LP tanks to a man who has offered to come get them. It is Friday and I am so very busy with weekend check-ins. He is gone for quite awhile and I have to ask the campers who already donate enough of their time to helping out to go the extra mile and help more. He is not answering his cell and I am embarrassed that my camper buddies seem to be more concerned with the success of our business than he is. I am tired of making lame excuses for him. I am tired of hearing others make excuses for him. Poor Drew, he has so much on his plate. Well, I am his wife and I am tired of portioning out that plate to others as well as handling my plate and part of his. I am tired of joking about his inability to complete any given task.
He finally calls me back and arrives, speeding into the park. I have spent the day enforcing the speed limit and I am so tired of being the adult. His headache is gone and he is off and running to help any and all. Mr. Jovial. My family leaves to go to a hotel and I get my little grandson a bath and a snack and he falls to sleep. In comes my husband slowly weaving his way to bed and I catch that unmistakable whiff that I so loathe. "Have you been drinking?" He had a beer. He is beligerant and I am so angry. It is bad enough when he does this to me, but our grandchildren deserve a better display than this. I can't express any of my feelings to him, but that doesn't stop me from trying.
He storms off to sleep on the couch and I storm off to grab a phone and call my son. Hoping to shame him I tell my son's voice mail that despite the efforts of my daughter-in-law ensuring that the children get to spend time with their grandparents, his Dad would rather get drunk than be with them. That was childish of me and pointless as it had no effect on him.
You can't reason with someone who is drunk and he is very drunk. He drove this way. That so pisses me off. I am so tied to this man that I have no doubt that should he commit vehicular homicide I will be the one paying the price. Right this minute I hate him. I hate the smell, the very smell of alcohol on his breath. It transports me back to the beginning of this nightmare. Why? Why, tonight? I have no idea and truth be told he probably doesn't either.
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