Choices

He is sorry. Nothing new there. He is sober. I can now extract anything I want from him. He is contrite and willing to do anything to get back into my good graces.

I don't doubt his sincerity of the moment. He is truly sorry, I do believe that. He will be sorry the next time as well. I am just tired of the roller coaster ride I am on. Sorry isn't working for me.

Why, I ask him did he choose the busiest night we have had this season while our grandchildren were here to go get drunk. Says that he didn't "choose" to do this; it just happened. He was offered a beer and just kept drinking. Sounds like a choice to me. Why not choose to decline the offer? He says he didn't think about that. When he sits there saying this nonsense to me as if it is reasonable and logical I want nothing more than to smash his face with my fist. Knowing the impact would be unbelievably painful to my arthritic hand has no bearing on this desire to hurt him. It would be so satisfying. Then I could tell him that I didn't "choose" to do it, it just happened. All a consequence of that beer he chose not to turn down. That makes as much sense as what he is saying. And maybe, just maybe my little demonstration of consequence would be helpful the next time he was faced with a choice...........

He wants to hold me in his arms because I am crying. I warn him not to even get within range of me, that I would love nothing more than to physically hurt him at the moment. I shove him away from me and am sorry that he did not fall. Now we are to the "embracing the disease" segment of the apology. Wrong move on his part as this just infuriates me more. I remove myself from the room and he follows. He is either mentally impaired or he wants me to punch him in the face. I could and I know he would not retaliate.

My first husband....Asshole #1.... was an abuser. In every sense of the word. He was very careful to have his punches land within my hairline and within clothing range, hidden from the world. That was bad enough, but the mental torture was the ultimate prize I received from him. Already running low on confidence and self esteem, he daily reinforced these traits in me; teaching me that I was unworthy and that no one would ever want me other than him. The one time I fought back I earned myself two black eyes and received my very first knock-out punch to the face. After I came to, I wisely tried to remain in my unconscious state, but the splash of ice water that doused my head took care of that. Having escaped this relationship with a new knowledge of torture techniques I tested subsequent suitors carefully before entering a relationship. I shamelessly admit that I have tried on many occasions to provoke this man that I now find myself so angry with and he has always "chosen" to not respond.

I confess that I can be relentless. If he can "choose" to not respond to me......... why can't he "choose" to not accept that first drink? I know I have a much stronger will than his. I am willing to share my strong will with him.... he "chooses" not to accept my offer. That offer does have an expiration date and it is fast approaching.